MAY 6, 2010

Enduring a bad headache is not fun!!! Yesterday I had one of those unfun days.... Could it be from the box of triple chocolate brownies that I consumed AFTER MAKING THEM? Or was it the chocolate bars the neighbor kids shared with me earlier before the chocolate brownies....... Yep, that WILL most certainly do it to me!! Whatever the cause, the pain still existed... But the enjoyment of the moment was gone... How often in my life has this scenerio played out...TOO OFTEN!! It did cause me to contemplate choices = consequences. Also that pain follows poor choices in life! Pain is a reminder to change the behavior (although time passing causes forgetfulness of those moments THUS resulting in repeat choice and consequence of pain! Will I ever learn.....!
As I pondered more on the subject, I realized what a huge force in my life is choice = consequence. Choice affects my mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health for good or bad in all situations. Yep even in sugar/chocoate addiction! (and it is an addiction!! I cannot stop with a taste of something--I instead turn into this animalistic vulture with an insatiating desire to consume all--every last drop of sugary sweet or chocolate confection in sight, even sometimes any within driving and purchasing distances up to 30 miles in any direction... :'( ! Ok, I said it, I confessed!!! Animal instincts take over and it is like survival mode! Only problem is starvation ended 2,000 bites back and gluttony has now taken over!! NOT A PRETTY SITE!
Right now, chocolate, sugar or any like thing sounds so utterly yuck! 90Just give me another 24 hours.......)
This time it is going to be different, because I am going to LOCK in my brain this disgusting lasting affect of my "black hole"! I will take a vow NEVER to touch sugar or chocolate in any form (down to the slightest speck!!!) Nope not EVER!!! I CAN DO THIS!!! I AM NOT GOING TO LET A PUNY BROWNIE OR TEENY CANDY AFFECT ME ANYMORE
BECAUSE......IT WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY LIPS!! YEAH, RIGHT!!!!

AN ASIDE NOTE: I can remember lying in bed a few years, crying into my pillow that I would never be able to overcome my "pet sins"!( those are the sins that no matter how hard or determined we are, they just keep popping back into our behavior!) Well, as I lay there crying and praying concerning my sorrow for the failure repeated, a voice came to me so clearly and distinctly, "You have made progress. It is so small that you cannot see it, but I can. you ARE making progress!" Tears flowed more rapidly as I realized that My Savior could see my progress! He loved me and cared that I know of my progress and Him being proud of me for it! That was life changing for me, as numerous times since that moment I have reminded myself of those words. Those words apply to all areas of my mistakes, errors or inefficiencies in life! I don't have to be perfect now, just trying my hardest to be my very best and to do and be better! He loves me just as I am--imperfect!!!--( but, trying my hardest and making tiny progress even if that is ALL I can do at the time!)

Much as I would like to think that I will never touch that forbidden thing again, I know that there will still be struggles and failures as I make the small steps necessary for perfection. That does not mean that I will use that for an excuse ever, but that I can and will forgive myself when I am less that perfect in those struggles. I can love myself even in my imperfections.....AFTER ALL, My Savior does!!!!! CHOICE = CONSEQUENCE, BUT ATONEMENT = MAKES ME CLEAN AND ABLE TO EVENTUALLY PERFECT MYSELF!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!